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Jan10,1999,
I am trying to get my head together here, and all I can think is how
much I have hurt my husband, all I ever wanted was to be what I always
wanted to be.....a writer, go back to school, and be the best I can be.
And all I have suceeded at is making everyone miserable......Rich is
devasted, I cant even talk to him, because its so hard to get the feelings
out that you want to say and make sense, if U can understand that......I
think I can do all those things,but Rich feels like he needs to protect me
from failing, and I think if I fail, so be it....I have failed so many
times in my life before.....one of these days it will happen, and I will
go to school, and write that book that I have always wanted to. I wish
I could turn this whole journal into a book......though, he thinks its
a pipe dream and again the need to protect me from failure.........I am
so depresssed friends, and hope the medicine will start workin soon so
maybe, just maybe I can feel normal and confident again.....cause all
I feel now is that I hurt all I love, because i want to be somebody and
love me........I know most of this is probably so boring.....but those
who stick with me, and hang in there and send the very comforting letters
you are what keeps me going...and I thank U from the bottom of my heart.
Love ya, and I will be back to normal soon........see ya tomorrow
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Jan11,1999,
Hi friends,feeling a little better today, still waiting on the Paxil
to kick in,hoping its soon. Rich and I have talked more yesterday and
we are starting to communicate better.....and I feel more positive
about going to school. I want to see if I can get a grant, or loan,
would love to be a councler/social worker. Also wish I could get a job,
but being carless right now and living in a town without busses, its
a little tough. The MaryKay is kinda on hold right now til Mary (my partner,
is feeling better) I dont care if its in a supermarket...I just want
to make some money, get out of the house. I also want to write, just a
thought friends, what do U think my chances are of getting my journal
published???? I think it would be pretty cool.....but give me your honest
opinion......I can take it :-). Besides that, my weight is still the
same....but at least Im not gaining. I will get to 135! If I dont see
any other dreams come true.....this one will!!!!! See ya all tomorrow
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Jan13,1999
Still not doing to good.....I havent spoked to Rich since yesterday
afternoon.....and everything I have planned out yesterday seems like
a pipe dream......I hope this is the new meds, cause friends I am so
depressed......I have tried to talk to friends, that I have always been
there for...and it all seems like they are too busy at the moment. It
hurts, ya know? Anyway, not much to say today......anything I did say
would just come out like a pity party, and shame on me. With all that
is going on in this sick world of ours today.....my problems are so minor.
Guess I am out of it......I just deleted yesterday's entry. Sorry :-(
So bear with me, and may you all have peace and love........see ya tomorrow
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Jan14,1999
Hey Friends, wish I could say that all is okay today, meds seem to be
working better, but other then that, everything else is falling apart.
Asking people for rides, trying to get through to Rich on how I feel..
Its all not working. I dont want to call myself a failure anymore...
and I wont, just got to keep on trying.....love ya all
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Jan15,1999
Rich pulled in last nite......and he will be home til Sunday nite/Mon
and we are talking, getting feelings out. My meds seem to be kicking in,
although still feeling pretty tired. I think alot of that has to do with
all the emotional stress, and I really need to exercise. So, I have a
personal message here for Katy, my friend....(me, in my spaced out stage
have lost the address......please send it to me again :-) I have been
rereading this month's posts, and I have been so down, defeated and
really a drag, huh? So I promise no more.....Im back.....and theres
no stopping me now. Love ya all & see ya tomorrow
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Jan16,1999
Hi friends, beter day today. Scale hasnt moved, but my pants are fitting
better and better! Im still getting panicky,but I think Monday before
Rich leaves out,Im going to get him to take me to the dr,and see what
we can do. Here on the home front, we are talking and it seems to all
be going smoothly....well,Rich going back on long haul is going to be
tough....but we have been through it before, and Im looking forward to
going on our trips again. Still havent seen the northwest yet. Maybe
this will be the answer.....we have been so used to long haul.....that
the local was the problem. Not sure,I know its me and wanting "Selfish
time".......but I need it......have a great night friends, Thank you Katy:-)
your a doll. see ya all tomorrow
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Jan17,1999
A pretty good day today,went shopping with Tami,which is always an
adventure. We must be the most irratating customers......and shoppers,
being that we are from the city and cant handle all the slowness up
here at times......anyway,it was a "Loreal day" you know, Im worth it..
finally got our hot water heater working and I must have bought 50 gallons
of bubble bath, all my aromatheraphy candles, and new panties and bras
(my newest obsession). My scale is not moving, but the clothes look
better and better....and honestly I feel like I can say I am "all that
and a bag of chips!" LOL. No, just feeling better......and Im going to
exercise tomorrow. Really.....I know I have said that before, but this
time I am, really......see ya all tomorrow
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Jan18,1999
Okay sitting here with dye on my hair.....praying it will come out okay,
since still carless in Pa.....I had to buy a store brand, but again It
was Loreal (and Im worth it :-) the buzzer just went off, so I better go
rinse......just wanted to say hi, I exercised!!!!!! well, house cleaning
with weights......it does burn. feeling better and love ya all
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Jan19,1999
Hey friends. No exercise today, kids had a delay so I kinda slept in,,
and then by the time I got up, I had too much to do.....I know, no excuse....
theres always tomorrow as Scarlett O Hara would say ;-). I always loved
her. Today my daughter was christened into a ceratin church.(Rather keep it
"certain" ) Anyway, its not what I believe in at all....but she seemed
so happy with it all, and maybe her behavior will change. I hope that
I made the right decision,I can look at it that at least she will be
with good kids....and have morals and values that she has to live up to.
Besides that Rich is off to the midwest, Nebraska..kinda weird with him
on long haul again....though maybe its what we need. See ya all tomorrow
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Jan20,1999
Happy Birthday to my dad and my nephew Robert. I really miss my dad today,
they live in Florida, and I know that I have been hurt about the wedding
and christmas, but I really miss him and the phone just dont seem like
enough. Other then that, another boring day, well I did go out with Tami
for awhile, but not having a car is driving me insane!! I remember all the
times I didnt have one,and I never minded. I used to just sit here and
eat anyway......hated to go anywhere, hated people looking at me, feeling
ashamed. What damage we do to ourselves when we do that. If only I could
of looked past the fat and saw ME...maybe I wouldnt have been so ashamed.
see ya all tomorrow
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Jan21,1999
Hi friends, made a mistake yesterday,my nephew Robert's bday wasnt yesterday
its Sunday.....great Aunt, huh? Not sure if its the rain, or me....but
I am feeling pretty down. I wish I could get to the dr, but it doesnt seem
like I can get a ride. Do you ever feel like a big sucker sometimes?????
I mean, I have always been the person to bend over backwards, give my
last dime to anyone.....and when you need help, there is none to be found.....
Still, I cant find it my heart to change...ya know, be all hard and tough.
It was never me, and it would feel so phony. I don't know why Im even
talking about this.....just feel incredibly lonely today, depressed,
and just simply sad.....as far as the diet goes ( I got to keep remembering
that this is a diet journal) its going,Im not losing scale wise, but
I feel inches are coming off, the clothes fitting better. Yesterday I went
to walmart with Tami and they had a denim skirt on sale (3$ cant beat that)
and I just grabbed a size 8 without trying it on,,,,and hey guess what?
It was loose.......needed a belt! So, I just am going to keep trying
and really get into a good exercise routine once these meds level out
and I feel normal again. (Same day,I just had to add that 2 very special friends, they know who they are.....were there for me when I
needed them........Thanks Niki and Skip :-)
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Jan22,1999
Hi friends, Still feeling pretty down. Old story, I know.....so maybe
we will just skip today's post and save us all from my pity party..
see ya all later
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Jan23,1999
Hi friends,a little better today, actually saw a movement in the scale!
another pound, so down to 145....10 more to go. Scary and thrilling all
the same if you can make any sense in that. I was counting on going to
the dr tomorrow,Rich will be home tonight....and it was the only way I
could get there tomorrow. Of course he has no hours tomorrow. Carless
really sucks for lack of a better word......Got my MaryKay stuff in
yesterday.....I have to all organize it and all, and all I can think is
what a waste of a 100$....I could of had two hotel jobs, and again
no car.....no job, no money. I got to get off this...think more positive.
So I guess I will get it together, and make some business cards up and
see what happens, I could give them to my friends to give out......I got
to keep striving, cant go back on the couch. See ya all tomorrow.
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Jan25,1999
Hi friends,I didnt get a chance to write yesterday, it was Rich's only
day home and I had to get all my errands done and go to Tami's son birthday
party.I went to the dr and he put me on xanex...which I have to say is
making me feel calmer, though the depression is still there. I still
have another 6 weeks maybe for the Paxil to kick in. This is pretty cool
though....I got on the scale, and he say Okay, 174! Well I almost had a heart
attack.....LOL, told him "NO, check it again........and he adjusted his
bifocals and he say ooops......144, sorry about that, Im not used to
weighing in "thin" people" That had to make my day hearing him say that.
A dr called me a thin person.......cool, for lack of a better word....
Besides that I bought a book about prescription pills and all that, I had
no idea what kind of meds I really was on...and how very mind altering
they were, might as well have been on acid....I guess I have to admit
that I wasnt "myself" at all, and have to work real hard to get back there.
I was even having sucidal thoughts from time to time......scary. Got to just
keep hanging in there......just want to feel normal, happy, ya know?
They can send men to the moon, and damn they cant figure out how to
treat depression...........unbelievable. See ya all tomorrow
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Jan26,1999
Hi friends,feeling better, but still having problems getting moving...
It takes me around 2 hours after I wake up to get moving.....guess I
still have to play the waiting game. My appetite is decreasing (never
a problem...to me) wonder why they dont use this stuff as diet pills?
Guess what, they do! Merida,that all new miracle drug, is an antidepressant.....
one that is very common, just a new name for it....Doesnt that anger you?
Lets make as much money as we can from fat women.....they will fall
for anything. Maybe I have no right saying this......but friends, I do
not believe in diet pills, miracle diets, special herbs or vitimains,
I, believe in WILLPOWER,Determination, and most important belief in
yourself......dont fall for the money hungry schemes, plots.....fall in
love with U.......okay off the soapbox, just had to say that. Just heard
the other day that again another friend of mine is being abused......I
am so sick of this......not sick that it is happening to the friend,
that it is all I am hearing lately.....and I do all I can to help. I know
I have no official "Paper" but I have the life experience.....been there,
done that, know what they feel......and know what they will feel like
afterwards when they do realize that they dont deserve it....and they
are worth more then that.....its like I always say to them, you need to
look in the mirror and like what you see on the outside as well as the
inside, and once you do......the strength, power and belief in yourself
will shine through...........see ya all tomorrow
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Jan27,1999
Today might as well be midnight, meaning its a very dark day. Thats what
I meant about saying one day the meds feel like they are working, and
today I feel like dissapearing into the river. I got a call from the bank
this morning, and for the first time in 8 years I was overdrawn, Thank
goodness they paid it, they know me, and they know Rich's company has automatic
deposit tomorrow, but still I somehow seemed to lose 300 dollars in stash
that I always keep.....and just feel so bad that I did this. I know, this
is no big deal......how many of us have bounced a check before? Though
today it is like a bomb fell on the house.......that feeling that again,
Rose you are a total failure at everything.........Ihave to stop writing,
this is not helping, and Im sure you all are getting so bored of this
up and down.......love you, see ya tomorrow
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Jan28,1999
Well the bank fiasco is okay for now, still have that missing 300 dollars
from my stash....but there really isnt anything I can do about it. I did
my first MaryKay makeover last nite for a friend of mine,have to say I
did a pretty good job. Didnt get a sell, but maybe a class out of it...
hoping on it. I still feel weird, depressed......but Im losing. Another
pound this morning.....143. Clothes are looser. Actually Im not even
thinking about it anymore.....just going through the day is a hurdle,
thinking about dieting.......too much to concentrate on. I always hear
women saying that if they can only lose weight......everything would be so
much better. I have to admit,its not. Maybe you look better, feel good
that you can get into a size 7 jeans, get looks from men that would
never look at you before......but it doesnt change a thing. Not life
anyway.Yes, I can say Im thin, I look good...but I still am suffering,
suffer from depression, self doubt,and life isnt rose colored glasses.
Whats my point here? That diet for yourself, for your health......but
dont think that life will be all better just because your thin. Thats why I think
so many of us gain it back, cause their life didnt get better..they
just got thin.......see ya tomorrow
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Jan29,1999
Yesterday was my 2nd month aniversary and all Rich and I did was fight
on the phone and left it as, maybe this marriage is falling apart. Its
midnight here.....not meaning the time, just the feeling......Rich is
out on the truck busting his butt to provide for us, and I do nothing,
nothing meaning I am having too many friends here to eat,spending money
that I shouldnt, (meaning the MaryKay thing, and other really not important
stuff)so I am once again being uncaring, selfish, (depression is also
known as a "selfish diease"......I dont know what to do friends. I want
to keep fighting.....to get pass this all, and then I dont. I always
get letters from people telling me how inspirational I am....and that I
have helped them.....and look at me now, I am falling apart everyday.
Dieting is a breeze......its called hardly eating. Thats not right either.
Its only going to put me in the hospital eventually.....I am really praying
here that this is just the meds messing me up because they havent kicked in,
and then again Im scared that its just real feelings......sucidal,worthlessness,
failure, and hopelessness........maybe tomorrow I will wake up and be
Rose again....(the woman who finally liked herself, who had a goal and
acheived it, who is happy......)
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Jan30,1999
Well, I can saythat I am feeling better today,and maybe I will feel
better tomorrow too....so I am feeling alittle more positive. I had to
chance to do another friends make over with the MaryKay, and I have to say
I did a pretty good job :-). Now if only I can make this work.....I might
have a good future with this. As far as the problems at home, another
hurdle to get over. I would like to thank you all for the letters, support
and kind words sent to me during this hard time......I love you all,
and will continue to stay on my goals.......thanks for sticking with me
all.......see ya tomorrow,
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