May31,1999
Well my friends, another month, another page, and like I told you
all in my last entry in May, I have some things to talk about. It would
be so easy to say hey guys, my pants are loose...I lost! wow...but thats
not what is important today because the reason I lost the weight had
alot to do with not eating for 4 days....No big feat friends. Where to
start? My daughter came home sat for the nite and instead of having a
great visit together, talking, doing nails, her homecoming, etc.....
I had to hold my daughter and tell her about her mom, the woman that
she has taken so much after. A mother that for thirty years, or maybe
a little less has been lost in another world....a world that some may
think of a gift, and some a nightmare. Its the gift of escaping, not
just to food or drugs, but to whole new person...I started by drawing
pictures, and the pictures of the girls I drew were another little
girl, not the one that was molested, that felt so unloved at home...
a little girl that was so loved, that had many emotions but was afraid
to show. That would get me hurt again...as I grew up, I was raped,
a fact that I just had recently let out, not once, but twice. Again,
I always had my other Rose, who was clean and nice and pure...not
this one, who was treated like trash over and over again. I married,
and again was beat, spit on, bitten til there was pools of blood on
the floor...hey I deserved it, didnt I? Though I Always had my other
Rose, this time she used drugs to hide the shame and never shown her
real self to anyone..total shutdown, well once I did, I was me,I told
him my past, my feelings, what was important to me, and he thought I
was pretty wonderful, he was my best friend and the only man that knew
me and still liked me, loved me. He left me one night, the last time
I saw him was on the beach on the Island...and I begged and begged, but
he still left...the real me never came out again. Well til I started
this web page. Still I havent been totally honest with U all,just
bits and pieces of me. When I met Rich, he treated me like a princess,
I never have had that treatment before, and damn I was so uncomfortable
with it all. He was a knight in shining armor that I believed I never
deserved and figured eventually he would leave me. When he didnt, boy
did I go into overdrive sabotage....anything I could do to make him leave
me, so I can prove to myself what a disgust I was, I did. It never worked
friends....I gained all that weight, let my depression get worse and
worse when I knew that I needed meds to be normal. I was diganosed
with this for years...clinical depression and panic disorder. Still
Rich never left and kept loving me the best way he knew how. Since
I have had this computer I went to all the wrong avenues of uses for it.
I could of used it to write...to let my imagination grow, which I have
plenty of, but I didnt...I used it to be the other Rose. Then I stopped...
I wanted to change myself, I got out of the depression with the meds,
and felt better, I worked on my body and mind and set out to not only
help myself but all of you that have reached out to me, the ones that
felt a bond, that were going through the same as I. It was a joy and
a lifeline, and I love this page and all of you...but something went
wrong, and I started slipping again. Rich was just trying to help me,
not control me, I was slipping into the past, and when he talked to me
I thought it was my ex, and I felt resentment and went more and more
into a shut down....I shut down on my husband. A man that did not deserve
it for one bit...my children, the jewels of my life, I couldnt deal
with them, I let things go..that I should of paid attention to, I
taught them to be sneaky and lie...because I had them covering up
for me all the time. This is so hard friends, but its time, time to
stop. I hurt someone else very bad as well....someone that I met on
the net, that I was the other Rose to...and damn, he didnt deserve what
I did...It was an affair, on the phone but still so very wrong and
horrible and I just could not get myself to stop. I needed him, needed
the interaction, not even realizing what I was doing. To anyone, my
husband, my children, myself and to the victim of my illusions. A big
bad circle with so many hurt and me all in the middle, the cause, the
effect and now the fallout. Friends, I ask that you forgive me....
if you dont want to read my pages anymore, I will not blame you...I
might just close it down, I dont want to, I need it now more then ever,
like I need all of you. I am going to once and for all stop this self
hatred, this destruction and hurt and put the damn past behind me....
enough already. I am more then ashamed, and if Karma is true...I do
believe I will suffer for this. My children have forgiven me, and Im
happy to say that my Annie is coming home, and I will be the best mom
for her that I could, and for Keith. For Rich who never stopped loving
me, and just wanted to help..I am ready to let my real self out...and
maybe he wont leave me. I dont think so friends.....I am sorry Lori
and Frank, again revalations of the past that you never knew. I am sorry
to all of you for not being more honest, and I am sorry to you too...
I hope you all will stay by me, continue to write. I am going to be
a better person. Love you all..........
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June2,1999
Didnt get a chance to post yesterday, I had alot of running around
to do with the move coming and all, work, then Rich came home. Also
I suppose I wanted to see how you all would react to me, and I have
to say Thank You so much for all the support....and I will keep the
page up and running, remember I still got them nasty 8 pounds left..:-)
Joking aside,trying to get through the days here wanting to wake up.
My son has been treating me like crap, and I cant blame him. He's mad
at me and is taking it out on me. Rich, hes screwing up with the job,
afraid to go out on the road, he says he is worried about me, but I
think he just doesnt trust me....and I deserve that too. I also feel
that he will not forgive me, Karma, right? getting what I have coming
to me....How am I going to be able to take care of Annie, Keith and
look at my husband? I cant even look at myself....Annie called me the
other day telling me how much she loves me and misses me so much. As
a matter of fact she dedicated her final English project to me, Its called
Life, and it has poems that she wrote, when its graded she wants me to
have it. What a precious child I have...I do not deserve them. Okay,
this month was supposed to be stopping this. Its just a little hard.
Well maybe the hardest thing I ever had to do....love you all and talk
with you tomorrow
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June3,1999
Well still have four days to see if I have a Lucy & Lucy (not there is
anything wrong with that :-) Other then that just trying to get motivated
to pack and realize that I am moving.....I will be cleaning all weekend
and painting and getting the other place ready, so please forgive me
if I cant get all them letters answered....I know, been saying that forever.
You all have been so great, and I cant even find the words to express
my thanks for sticking with me, understanding, and supporting. Without
you all, I would surely give up. Though I wont! I never do, and not
going to start now.....I am going to counseling tomorrow, not that I
want to, just hate rehashing everything, but I will go through with it.
Today I was thinking alot of the other "Rose"..well I am not trying to
say Im Sybil or anything, but the other person who I have inside of me.
She was out once, the more I think about it...it was after I left my
ex, I snapped that day, he had the electric turned off on me and the kids.
I mean after all that he had done, that was what made me snap....I packed
the kids up and just left, not caring about all the threats, I figure,
what the hell??? Call his bluff, and I did. I was happy, I was strong.
I was broke as can be and I lived in a basement apt for a year...but damnit
I was so happy. I worked at the deli, I sold lingerie, I hardly ate so
I can feed the kids and pay the rent.....but I did it, this strong woman
who thought so little of herself for years was able to come out and
take care of herself and her kids.....then we moved on up, U know, sorta
like the Jeffersons....lol, we moved to a little beach house by the
deli where I worked, and I loved it....still broke, still working my butt
off, but happy. I had lots of dates, when the kids were with their dad,
never really got involved...well once and he left me for the hairdresser
when I asked him to get his hair cut, LOL. Still took it all in stride,
and kept going. I even had this one man, an older man...I was in my 20's.
Him, in his 40's...and he even offered to set me up, ya know pay the
rent, buy me jewels...I was like "What the hell is this, NYC and penthouses?"
anyway, I listened to him....pondered, hey, i wouldnt have to worry,
and then politely told him to F**k off...with a smile of course. I was
proud, I was strong, I fought all the ghosts....what happened? Tune
in tomorrow...
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June5,1999
On my way to the other house, got tons of cleaning and painting....the
people that lived there were really slobs,remember last aug I was telling
you about the porta potties at Woodstock? They were clean compared to
what these people lived liked...anyway, its nothing that a few gallons
of bleach cant cure, an atom bomb perhaps??? I went to counseling yesterday
and actually I feel somewhat better, we didnt get to much time to talk,
but I like her and was able to talk. She explained that what I think
is just plain sick...(the other Rose) is really just an alter ego, that
is a gift...its a survival mechanism that I developed when I was little.
She said it was healthy, and thats why I was able to survive all that
I did. I still think its sick, and theres a movie here...trying to laugh.
Anyway, I have an appt in a couple of weeks and hopefully I can get
somewhere as becoming healthy mentally as well as physically. Which, I
havent worked on that much...I have been sleeping way too much, some
days I eat too much, then some I dont eat at all. I need to work on that
too. Im still at the same weight, and still want to lose more, even
changed my goal...from 130 to 120. I know, impossible probably...but
what the hell? Lets see if I can do it friends......talk to you all
tomorrow
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June6,1999
Figured I get a post in before I get to the other house, got lots of
cleaning done, and painted one room so far....didnt get finished til
1:30 this morning. I am not sure I will be able to get in next weekend.
Just way too much painting, and not to mention the basement which harbors
dead bugs probably that were around before Moses....though, I have to
say it has alot of charm, and now that you can see through the windows,
its bright and cheery and I love my covered porch :-). Keeping myself
busy, focused has helped alot with my mental state and just got to keep
going in one direction, get moved in, get Annie back home and get my
sanity back....and not to mention my very newest goal of 120....yeah,
I know its going to be hard. My body just doesnt want to lose anymore..
Even my dr said Im probably at my perfect weight and all I can do is
tone. I just hate accepting that 138 is perfect, ya know? It still
sounds so zoftic...but then again I am 5'5, and pretty well even with
the weight..and hey lets not forget that 26 inch waist LOL....anyway,
let me get going, and tonight since Rich is leaving out at early, I
will get some letters done...I know, you heard that one before.
Talk to you all later
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June7,1999
Hi friends, didnt get too much done yesterday, I didnt feel good and
Rich had to go to Maine last nite and was beat...Still trying to get
in next weekend, but it looks doubtful. I figured I would pack up some
more this morning, bring it to the house before work, then after work
do some more with Keith. I am being told that I should quit my job,
I know its a "stupid" job, make nothing, but its still something. 4 hours
a day, and I kinda am starting to enjoy it some....but then Im not a
good mom, good wife, Im not trying to make anything better. I have not
been feeling well, I have been sleeping alot and tired, but to Rich that
is Im hiding something, Im shutting down. I am so sick and tired of
being told what I should do to be a better person.....I understand that
he doesnt trust me, and fine I can deal with that, what I cant deal
with is that being a hermit, no job, no friends, is the way to be
trustworthy, and of course a good mom and wife. He yells at me in front
of Keith constantly, and of course Keith takes it out on me....he has
been upset and wont talk to me, Keith that is. Annie or Andrea (she
rather be called that now :-) called last nite and she is coming home
in July, I cant wait, she told me that she is changing, she is going
to listen and respect me, and basically she wants a fresh new start, which
I will give to her....a clean slate. I think this time its going to
work, I really do. So I guess what Im rambling about here is that is
my four hour a day job mon-fri really a major problem????? Am I a bad
mother for keeping it? Or should I quit? I cant make any judgements
anymore....not that I feel confident about anyway. Well talk to ya all
tomorrow.
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June8,1999
Good morning friends, getting into the habit here of posting early, so
much to do still here at home. Had a bad nite, Rich called and again
I was screamed at for wanting to keep my job. He says I dont care about
the kids and all I care about is "my stupid 5$ an hour job". Okay, it
pays nothing but I can help contribute to the house, get stuff for the
kids, and pay off some debts I owe, its not to get away from the kids,
or anything close to that....but no matter what I say, Im wrong. He cant
do his job right, late for his delivery's, its my fault. EVERYTHING is.
Hey, U need a person to blame for something, call 1-800-Rose...its her
fault. So once again my friends I am a fkup, always have been and always
will.....he is purely saintly, and has no fault ever in all of our relationship
together. I rememeber when I was with my ex and he wanted to have Annie,
I told him only if I could stop working, I think infants and young
children need to be home with mom, he said sure, I was working for Loral/Narda
at the time....so I got pregnant, Andrea was here, and 2 days later, I
was told "get off your lazy a** and get back to work" Went back, had
a sitter for Andrea, then I was told a year later, "You are a bad mom,
quit your job"....I made most of the money that we needed. Still made
my life hell til I quit...then we had no money. He did this to me on
and off, all the ten years together. Now, here we go again. Though, Rich
keeps reminding me that he is not my ex, so why so many patterns repeating???
How many times can a person be called a fkup and smile, take all the
blame for everything, and still function like a normal human being
of society? I think I ramble too much in the morning, its when most of
my thoughts come to mind before I have to deal with everything else and
shut it all down, sorry about that. Im back to not eating,(its alright
with me) not sleeping, well not last nite anyway...and my nerves are
going to explode, if I didnt have this job or have to pack, I would
surely lose it....All I can end this with is Im trying friends, Im
trying to keep it together and get through this all. I will, I always do.
Talk to you tomorrow. PS, thanks to all of of you that wrote to support me
with keeping the job...I will let you know, I have a feeling I am going
to be pounded til I do quit. mmmmm, control comes to mind.
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June9,1999
Hi friends, feeling somewhat better today, Rich came in last night and
we talked alot then and in the morning..I am keeping my job, unless there
is a problem with the kids, ya know they burned the house down, cops
were called...the usual, then I will quit til Sept, and find another
job...but they will listen to me. Its time they learned that they have
to listen and respect me. I feel like I made a break through here with
Rich, and eventually the kids too. There is a water park right where
we live and if they are good after I get home thats where we will go...
movies, Micky dees once in a while...Just like I used to do at the
beach house after work, we used to pack up a dinner and just hang at the
beach all day, it was great and I enjoyed it so much....well til Andrea
kinda grew up and started spitting green stuff and turning her head around....
Though, its a teen thing, right? I have also decided to go ahead, and
give Rich and I another chance, the kids need it, and I need a family
and him...Its going to take alot of work, and hopefully we can do this
without a seperation, but Im willing to give it a try. Sometimes it
all it takes is communication and actually listening....for the first
time in a long time, he actually listened to what I had to say, he
supports me going to school, writing (even though my writing is not
um, well family orientated...yeah, thats it) and working. This is good
friends.....but still a day to day ordeal. I cant look ahead, just
day by day with all I have dealt with in my life and overcome.....like
the diet (which this diary is supposed to be about, I just love talking
about myself....like my friend Kathy says, "Your such a drama queen".)
Sooooo, diet is good and Im going full ahead with that 120...I know,
I will probably look terrible. Though its a goal, and I need to have
that in my life so away I go....the dieters club had a question the
other day, thought it took some pondering, why do U want to lose weight
or lost it??? I thought about it alot, and yeah I can say to be healthy,
to live longer, to like myself better....but in all honesty, I have
to say "damn....I just love turning heads :-)" See ya all tomorrow.
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June10,1999
Still feeling pretty good today, maybe the new dosage of the paxil Im
taking has kicked in, or maybe because life seems to be looking up....
of course there is always setbacks, Keith ate a fly the other day, We
asked him why? He said cause I wanted to see how it tasted....lol. Makes
sense, boys....I met some of my new neighbors lastnite at the other
house when we brought some more stuff over, they are both really young,
but nice, and one of the girls is home all day, so I have someone to
check on the kids and also to be a rat, in case Andrea decides to have
boys over, or the good old knife fights and kid stuff like that. Rich and
I are talking more and more, and it is helping us, me...I have an appt
Monday aft with the counsler and hoping that it does help me more, maybe
understanding myself. Other then that, still going for the 120, still
back to drinking tons of water and exercise, full steam ahead friends.
I have to get some more pics up, new ones, Im thinking when Andrea gets
home, and when the house looks like a house and not a garbage dump...
Its getting there, and I love working on it. For the first time in a
rental I was allowed to paint the colors I wanted....I love it. So, off to
pack more and then to my glamor job :-). Talk to u all later
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June12,1999
Didnt get a chance to post yesterday, after work I went straight to
the other house and did some work til midnight....its coming along and
its going to look pretty good I think once its all done. I have some
more to do today and tomorrow, then Rich and Keith go out on the truck
for a week, I can get some packing done and odds and ends around
the other house. Other then that all is going well, Keith got all
high marks on his report card, was above average in his acheivement
tests....so Im very happy with him, Andrea has her finals all next
week, so Im anxious to see how she does. I know she is terrible with
math just like me, so I never get on her for her math grades, just ask
her to try her best.....Im kinda allergic to math, guess it runs in the
family....:-). Okay, gotta run, see ya all tomorrow
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June13,1999
We got two rooms done so far, the bathroom and my office and now today
the kitchen, Rich and Keith are at the house now finishing the painting
in the kitchen, then we put the new tiles down.....The old floor was
just too dirty and fossilized grease to clean without renting one of
those buffers and strippers, so I got new tiles on sale, and I think
that was the best bet. Tonight Rich and Keith leave out for the road,
just me and the animals this week. I can get lots done as far as packing
and all....though its kinda lonely without them around. Im starting to think
more about quitting the job, maybe the kids will be better with me there
all day, and Rich keeps talking about how he wishes I can get on the
truck again.....I always loved it, miss all the states we visited, the
truck stops, all of it.....but I really dont want to quit my job. Just
another desicion to make. I actually like it more and more....the girls
in the back are hysterical, They actually eat road kill! I told you
it was weird up in these parts, they give me all the fredricks of
hollywood stuff,lol. Plus you cant beat the "shopping". I dont know what
to do...my kids need supervision, they have proved that time and time
again, but they also need some responsbility as well....else they will
live with me forever.....what to do? We are going to stay up here for
a year or two, then finally go down south where we want to buy a
house....a house in the mountains of Tennessee. I can be closer to Lori
and if Frank takes that job in NoCarolina that he has been considering,
I can be closer to him as well...I like that, no more of these friends
that only pretend and then blow you off, Tami for one....and you know
I miss her everyday. I hate it....Well, nothing I can do about it now.
Back to getting the house ready, the move, trying to rebuild my family,
and gain my sanity back....I have an appt tomorrow after work, and plan
to keep going. Diet news, the scale is at the other house, really dont
need the extra stress right now of the dreaded weigh in.....but I figured
by the way my clothes are fitting, Im doing pretty good.....those size
5 pants are starting to fit better :-). keep going........talk to you
all tomorrow.
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June14,1999
A rainy dreary Monday, no Keith, no Rich....just me and the animals. Kinda
like it, and then at the same time hate it.....I am supposed to be packing, and
I just keep finding every excuse in the book not too, but I got one
of those power bars, ya think it will help???? Its chocolate too, what
can I say? I went to my counseling today, and I feel it went really well,
I wish that I could talk about it, I wish that I could talk alot about
different things....but I feel that I cant, either it be walls, or people
that I know read my journals, protecting their feelings.....its like
I feel so limited to what I can say and what I cant....I know through
your letters that some of you read between the lines, my dear close
friends....I guess Im just rambling because there is so much I want to
say today....the date, the situations here at the home front, the
diet that is just another challenge for me, not really that important
as it used to be.....just to see how far I can go. Doesnt make sense, does
it? I used to think how wonderful life would get once I got thin again....
instead a slow descent into hell. now to make it back out, and still
stay thin.... again, friends that have written, please forgive me
for not answering....I just have no energy sometimes lately, and just
keeping up with the page is tough....I will get back to normal, as soon
as the move is done and the house is back in order. I love ya all, and
talk to you tomorrow........
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June15,1999
A little better today, got alot accomplished with the change of address,
the cable, phone, all that fun stuff. I cant believe this is the last
few days in this house, and thank god....I really cant wait to get out of
here. Rich is pulling in tonight and then leaving again in the afternoon.
I dint know how we are going do all of this, but have done it before
so many times.....I will probably be off line for a few days starting
Friday, and will be all back Monday, inbetween unpacking and all the
painting and stuff that still has to be done. Burning the calories, thats
the only good part. Im boring tonight, like I said yesterday I wish I could
say so much more...though Jeannie, I agree with you, its MY journal.....
freedom of speech, and maybe I need to start saying how I really feel
about so many different situations....a brave new world, huh? Talk to
you all tomorrow
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June17,1999
Be back in a few days......moving. hey, I got the 5 to fit!!!!!
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June23,1999
Im back! Took awhile to get all hooked up, had the phone line, just
couldnt find the cords, plugs, ya know...anyway, working hard here
fixing my old country house and really loving it...I have so much stuff, and you are supposed to move in to a bigger house,(George Carlin)and Im in a tinier house, took alot of imagination. I really love it though. Well back to work, just wanted you all to know that Im back
and see ya all tomorrow with lots more to talk about.
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June24,1999
Hiya friends,long day today, the house, work, the heat, Im really tired. Just got off the phone with mom, they are coming July 5th to visit, (jumping up and down). Its always a one to two hour visit and
usually they put me on a major guilt trip....Annie, the wedding, everything. Annie will be home, and I cant wait.....Im so excited, and
miss her so much. Everytime I talk to her she sounds more and more
changed. Rich tells me not to get my hopes up, that it all could backfire again, but I have hope for my little girl...well shes not so
little anymore. Keith met a little girl, hes as happy as can be, they got a pool :-). Me, Im okay, just stressed over getting the house done, I hate messes, boxes, not being able to find my clothes....lol.
I got the downstairs all done, just now to the upstairs..and more creativity on where to put all that stuff. I miss my friends, havent seen anyone...Connie, Kelli, Kat, well I see her when I get my nails done. I miss Tami....I know, its stupid to miss her, but I do. We had
lots of fun together before she turned on me. Though life goes on, huh? Work is okay, lifting those 50 pound barrels of clothes all day is doing good on the arm toning..and of course the shopping is great. Just got to love the prices....(free of course) The girls are pretty cool, even Cindy who eats road kill....she is having a party the day before the 4th, do I dare go???? Whats on the barbecue? Melinda, I give her a ride home everyday, shes really nice. All of them are, except for Brenda....She drives me crazy, like we work for IBM or something, "you got to make your quota,"Yeah, okay.......diet news
doing well, still want to get to 120. Still wont go on the scale, Going to wait to my drs appt....cant break those scales. LOL. Counseling is going well, wish I could talk about it, but again feel
like I cant at this moment. I will try and get the letters answered...I know, you have heard that forever, but I want too, hope that counts...ya know I love ya all...and for those who have my home
phone number, its the same. Well back to unpacking, talk to you all
tomorrow
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June25,1999
Hiya friends,another long hot day, no ac at work, and just crappy to
put it midly. Rich came in this morning, and we had some words....he
still is insecure, still doesnt trust me...probably never will. I just
dont know where this is going. I am trying. We are taking Keith to dinner and a movie...spending too many days working and trying to get
the house together. Just feeling so damn guilty and self loathing. Really did think I could change this. I could do anything I want to do, always had....always had a drive way inside, inner strength, rebellous, where did it all go?? Life changes when you want to make it change, when you want something bad enough. Though no matter how you change it, you are still the same arent you? Okay enough of my
philosphy hour...lol, I used to make fun of the truckers listening to them on the CB when they got like this...though they did have some pretty good thoughts once in awhile. :-). Anyway,have a good night you all, and talk to you tomorrow.
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June26,1999
Taking a break from the unpacking...got my office all done, now the
unbelievable bedroom.....the mountain of clothes, the moutain of shoes, the mountains of knick-knacks, pictures, years of memories.....
god, I hear that Kodack commercial tune. Basically lots of garbage to
others, but treasures to me. Never made it to the movies last night,just too tired. I doubt tonight too, Rich has got to be in the top of Maine for Monday morning....he has got to leave out early tomorrow, so trying to get alot done today, and all I can think about is how bad I want to be at the beach.....I do miss it. I miss life, and all that has past me by, a good friend of mine always says that he wonders what if alot, ya know, what if he didnt quit the military,
what if he went to school...I wonder that about Rich, he was the football captain at the highschool he was in, he won a full scholarship to college on football....what if? I never would of met him I suppose, a big football star. Why am I even writing about this??
I guess cause Im bored......like Kat always says I have to live a soap
opera life, a drama queen. To me life just isnt complete without it...
talk to you all tomorrow, back to the mountains of ummmmm, stuff.
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June28,1999
Im happy to say that my bedroom is done, no small feat and it took me
all day, but its finally done. All that is left is Keith's room....
and ya know I just dont want to go there.(kinda scary) Anyway,Rich left last night for Maine, its Monday, got to work, boring. I really like this house though, my best work ever, and I know I said that i would not fall in love with a rental again. It hurts when you have to pack it all up and leave, but its too late.....I love it. From a house that looked liked a total bomb to a home that I decorated, put lots of time and care into every picture, every knick-knack, its just perfect...that is if you like the "inside garage sale/country/victorian /nothing matches, but does look" Its a little noisy around here being right next to the gas station, but its my own little world inside, and I love it. Soooo, thats the house, me...Im okay, the heat and humidity is terrible for this early in the summer and it just knocks you out after working all day in it...but thats good, sweating and working. Burn that fat, especially my thighs...which I HATE!. LOL. Alot of you have been asking for an update on my pics. LOL, I havent even developed all the wedding pics yet, but I will put an update in when Annie gets home and we are all together again. Well better get off my butt and get moving, talk with you all tomorrow.
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June29,1999
A real great evening.....our neighbors came over, and we were having a pretty good time talking and joking, but oh my god....I mentioned that I joked with the cable guy when he was here, so now Keith, all my neighbors with windows open can hear what a piece of crap I am, how I do whatever I want, will never change, and care about nothing but myself. Lets see, oh yeah, Kat was going to stop by and see the house.....a criminal offense. So he just took off to work, and once again Im just a dirtbag friends, not trying, flirting, not changing....I DONT WANT TO CHANGE!!!!!!!! I like having fun, joking,
isnt that what life is about????? Im so aggrevated, and I know all I have to do is quit my job, gain a hundred pounds and live in soap land and all will be fine again......for him, not me. I am more then discouraged with all of this.Better go.....dont want to get in trouble. Talk with you all tomorrow
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June30,1999
Last day of a pretty rotten month, thought it was going well, thought things were better, big surprise on me....he did come back last night, right after I made that post. He screamed at the top of his lungs, every rotten no good piece of garbage I am, Keith heard it all, and all the neighbors....no matter how hard I asked him to be quiet, he didnt care, "Let Keith hear what a piece of garbage you are, let the neighbors know"....Demanded that I delete my wallpaper,
its roses and handcuffs, yeah I know, offbeat....BUT I LIKE IT! He demanded that I take off my nail charm, a very tiny set of handcuffs...I didnt, and he said that he is having me commited to a hospital.....Lovely, huh? Annie coming home in a few days and all of this cause I didnt mention that Kat may come over, that I joked with the cable guy, oh yeah...at work it was hot the other day, the ac broke, we all had wet towels around our necks...I had a white shirt, well ya know. Anyway, I was wondering why one of the truckers was staring, figured it out when I looked down and said to the girls....hey we are having a wet tee shirt contest....not to the guy.
well, hey I guess Im going to hell for that one....Okay, enough of this ranting, Im not here so you can feel sorry for me, to tell me to move on, I know I have made major mistakes, dont we all???? Or are we all Saints? Yes, I feel guilty, yes I wish I could make it go away, but I cant...and damnit for once in my life, why cant someone like me for me?????? What is so wrong with me? NOTHING....I make mistakes, I have had my ups and downs, I have been abused most of my damn life and survived....IM sick of this. i dont care anymore who likes me or not, Im not changing one bit...Im not going on the couch, Im not giving up what makes me, me. I have had it! With that, see you in July....One year older, one year that is not going to be the same....I promise you that, no more of this hating, guilt, taking the blame for all that is wrong in the world. Hope you join me. Talk to you all tomorrow.
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