April 3,2000
Monday morning and its raining...doesnt go well with my tune for the
month "no rain", actually it means no tears I hope. I had a decent weekend, only stayed in bed on Sunday, not Sat. I got a really great nite sleep Friday,went out Sat, and just rested Sunday. I have two dr appts this week, and hopefully a good turning point. I havent really eaten in 3 or 4 days, and yesterday I ate alot....I feel it. I got the Taebo and I am going to start it tonight. Let you all know how it goes...I hope I can survive 2 minutes, it has been so long. I want this to get back to dieting this month. Dieting, exercising, feeling good again. Keith wants to bleach his hair....whats next? See ya all tomorrow.
| |
April 4,2000
Yesterday was the most scariest day I ever had, sitting here in work, I get a call from Keith's councler and they are rushing him to the mental health clinic because my son wants to kill himself. He feels that everything is his fault, he cant handle me being so destoyed and is blaming himself. Rich had told him many times that it was his and his sisters fault that he left, he also told him that I was so bad, cause they wouldnt behave. Keith was just acting out his despair, and I was too lost in my own pain to notice. I have to be the most pathetic mother of the year, how could I be so damn blind? Now that it is out, nothing is more imporatant then my kids being ok. I am so scared, so nervous,cant sleep or eat. I see my doc tomorrow and I hope that I have enough strength, the kids give that to me....making sure that my son is okay, and Annie, that will make it come out. I can not feel bad for myself anymore, I can not wallow in my self pity no more...look what it has done. Its all out now, and that is what matters. Thank God he said something, he knew he was hurting and scared that he would actually hurt himself. They have him on meds, which I really hate, but it has to be, he almost was put in the hospital. I love those kids so much....I cant believe that this is happening, but I will deal with it and take care of it. Thanks for all your support that you give me, and being there friends...
I really need it now.
| |
April 5,2000
Just got back from the dr, she upped all my meds the effexor and the valium, and gave me some sort of sleeping pill to help at nite. I hope that it works...she said it was gentle and it should work very fast. We talked about what is going on in life, such as Keith and Rich. Keith is doing okay, he says that he has a headache and he still looks so sad, it breaks my heart that he is hurting so much. My little guy...Bryan at work here said that he is thinking of taking Keith out for a day, like a big brother. He needs that, Rich wont have anything to do with him,(he says that he can't, live-in is way too important then his son) dad is kinda well, I will call him...He has me and Annie, we will get over this together. I am seeing Rich tomorrow nite, we have the bankruptcy to go to Friday. I just dont know how I am going to be able to handle it all, its still so painful.
Its deep and it hurts. I will just look to getting it all over with, and then it can be done. I know I sound bitter, that Rich cant see Keith or talk to him for more then a minute, and Im not sure it has to do with her, I just assume it..how could his family mean nothing? Pretending he has no kids that he cared for 9 years, and a wife who waited almost 8 years for him to finally marry me. Through sickness and health..just like everyone else in my damn life. Whoa, I really am bitter, maybe this is good. Anger. Getting mad. Isnt that the next step? Just talked to Keith. He is doing well.:-)
| |
April 6,2000
Another councler appt, I guess it went okay. She only wants me to focus on the most important issues at hand, which is my kids, my job,
and just taking it easy. I didnt sleep at all last nite, even with the new sleeping pill and that is really bothering her. I have to call her in the morning and let her know if I slept or not...she may have the dr change the dosage or a new pill. Lack of sleep is what is proabably not making any difference in my mood. Lack of eating as well. You know that I never mind when I cant eat, but this is pretty bad, and you know what????? Im not even budging, my weight. I know its the damn meds and lack of energy. Hmm, also all those Haagen-Daas
pints..I went on the scale today, and it almost went out the window. I am very ashamed to tell you that I have gained 20 pounds! I have not even realized that I gained that much. I knew the clothes werent fitting that well, but I guess I just ignored it all. This really is pissing me off and maybe I need to focus on that too. MY DIET, all the weight that I have lost and seeing that it crept up without me paying attention...If I gained all that weight back again, that would kill me..not sure if I am going to post tomorrow. Rich is coming tonight, and then we have the court Friday, after that I have to let this go...for my mental health, my kids, my sanity, my broken heart.
See ya tomorrow.
| |
April 9,2000
Well I finally got my butt up this weekend, cleaned my house and decided that its a new life. Rich came early Friday morning, it was the hardest day of my life, saying goodbye, telling him that he cant call anymore. I know that he was upset, he said that he needed to call me, that he hasnt given up....but then again if that was true he would be by my side, and not desert me like so many others have. He had said a key word, pierced me like a knife...but its what its all about. He said if I dont know if you are happy how can I look at myself???? God did that hurt. We cried together, he told me he was still in love with me and always will be, but that it could never work. Perhaps he is right, or perhaps he is wrong....he chose what he wanted, some empty relationship to make him feel better...and chose not to be with me and our kids, especially Keith, who needed him so bad. I will miss Rich, I will always love him, but I will not lay down and let life slip me by...My kids need me, and I need me. So, this chapter has ended, I hope that they are happy, which I dont know how they could be with the misery and pain of others...but thats their cross to bear and not mine. So, today is the last entry of my pain, torture, and sorrow....I am moving on, going to stay strong and
LIVE.....see ya tomorrow.
| |
April 10,2000
I am proud to annouce that my Annie made the high honor role, Im so proud of her, and I know that I did not approve of her choice of church, I have to say that she is turning into a very fine young lady with great morals and goals...There is definatly something good going on there. Keith is doing ok, he didnt get such a great report card, but the poor kid was going through so much. I see some improvement in his mood and behavior, so Im hoping that he will get better. We are talking and having fun, and that will lead to healing. Doing good with my commiment to my diet, sanity and family. Not all in that order of course. Im sleeping and laughing...I guess the weight has been lifted. See ya all tomorrow
| |
April 12,2000
I got a really great night sleep last night, first one in a long time,
I had a moment yesterday, posted a stupid "end of the world" assinine post and then deleted it...I am moving on and I will keep on going. Keith is doing great as Annie. My little family. I have made some major decisions, one is to go to the lawyer Tues and get the divorce.
Why hold on to what is no longer mine? If anyone got the impression that I feel "she" is the cause of our spilt, its wrong. Though she did start a realtionship with a married man and he chose to stay with her instead of being with his family. But once again, like he has told me many times "Its all your fault" so be it. I will get the divorce, at least she wont have to wait 8 years for him to marry her since he is so in love with her...funny, he told me that the morning of the court, he made love to me, "Im so in love with you still"
I believed his words....I believed that he cared for us and the kids, but damn...." I need to feel good about myself" just keeps haunting me and hurting....I know that I said I will not fill anymore posts with pain, I am not. I am accepting the pain, and going on and leaving it where it belongs. Im the past. I am going to take care of the kids, I am taking care of me, I am even going to date once inawhile..already have been asked. :-) Talk to you all later. Oh yeah, I lost two pounds!!!! Next I got to work on that Billy Taebo..
| |
April 13,2000
Another good nite sleep, another day of a good attitude and mood. My councler is going to be quite suprised tomorrow...I was such a wreck last week. I feel like everyone that ever said about the steps you go through when you suffer a loss, is so accurate. The shock, the agony and pain, anger and finally peace....Im not sure if I am still on the way to anger or Im almost over it, but I know that I can only go forward. I have a life to look forward to, watching my kids grow up in a happy house that one day soon I will buy for them, maybe go to school in the fall, going to look into it and accepting myself for who I am. I am what I am, be flamboyant, a tad off color, a pretty cool sense of humor...I just cant be something different, nor do I want to be. I will work hard on my diet, but you know what? I still think I look great...I will lose, but no matter what I will accept me.
life does not get better just because of a size 5. I have enough men that want to take me out...(I still must got something going on!)
Not that I need a man....I have been without one before and I dont need to jump into no rebound...I know that, but hey a free dinner???
now I think thats kinda cool. See ya tomorrow
| |
April 14,2000
Just got back from the councler, and it went well. She is still worried that I may have the bad days come and go, but she also said that the worse is over. She thinks its okay to go out on casual dates, as long as I know that I am not ready for a realtionship. Which I know that I am not...no rebound for me. Its going to be a long time before I would even consider it. The kids are real cool about it, and actually happy that I am not sitting around crying.....
We are spending more time together and talking, and I just love it. Keith keeps getting better all the time....I believe that we are all going to be just fine. Fishing season is open tomorrow, so I will take the kids to the lake. I know that I have been bitter and sad and angry and all that other emotional outbreaks, and knowing me I still will from time to time, like I always tell you its a never ending battle...weight, strength, self love and esteem......
I do have a personal message for "YOU" I will not mention your name,
but you know that we met and you have met my children. You do not know me "she", you know nothing of my past, my life, the realtionship that I had with my husband or our dreams. You know only one side...
I have no idea why you feel the need to read my journals, or want too.
I can not stop you, this is a free net, but please....stay out of my life. You have my husband, have no guilt obviously, and maybe you read so you can see that I fall on my face. But Hey...I wont. I will gurantee you that girl. I am and always will be so much stronger then you..
I dont need to take married men. Wow, that was mean friends...but I had to get that out. Now I feel better...damn, I hate that I had to write it, but I did. Maybe I am wrong, maybe being spiteful, but I needed to say that to her. See ya ll tomorrow, let u know how my date went and dont worry, I will not fall apart this time. This is for fun
and nothing else...plus Annie gave me a curfew LOL.
| |
April 17,2000
Happy Birthday Frank! Ya know little bro...what a weekend, it was great. The kids and I had a great time. I had my date Fri and it was pretty cool, nice guy and he has two kids, the girl is the same age as Andrea and the boy is the same as Keith. Mellow, casual and I enjoyed myself. Sat, Keith went to a bday party, Annie had her friends over, pizza party and then I went 4 wheeling with my neighbor in his truck. Never did that before, going through logging trails, it was so much fun. Last nite I had another date, he is so sweet, took me to an expensive resturant, and was a perfect gentleman. Friends, I am having a ball! I feel great emotionally, I am watching all that I eat,maybe not even thinking of it...just feel too good to stuff my face. My meds are working great, or maybe its just acceptance and going on with my life. Tomorrow is when I see my lawyer, trust me, this is gonna be the hardest and strongest feat ever....but I need and have to do it. I really wish it was all a bad nightmare, but its not and life goes on...I will always love him, that will never change.
Though nothing lasts forever, a lesson that I have had to learn many times, but ya know what? There are other paths out there, and I plan on following them...Keith is doing great, (hes got a girlfriend) I was wondering why he was wearing cologne :-). Andrea is studying as hard as she can, and the grades are proving it...I do believe that girl is going to wind up in Yale. She is so determined. Sooo, doing good here in hickville and loving it :-). See ya tomorrow. Get caught up on my mail. I was so swamped today at work I had no time to play, really not fair.....lol
| |
April 18,2000
Besides my pms, and eating oreo's waiting for the day to end, all I can say it was a good day. Hey my love birds had babies!!!!!! I have two little love birds. How long have I been waiting??? I did lose a canary, I think the female, I am so so sad, but I will replace it. Anyway, I just want to let you all know I am happy....
| |
April 20,2000
Im back, I had such a busy day yesterday, and had to think about my journal and what I choose to write..I was told that I could not write
about "her" or what goes on between Rich and I. He says that I am destroying his life.....why? Because I feel that she has no right living with him when he has a family that he pretends doesnt exist.
Because, I felt that when we made love and he told me that he was still in love with me I felt it and believed it???? He said that he was done with me, he is going to take everything away from me, and he will never speak to me again....well, I guess my lawyer will make sure Im okay. Yes, I did it. I paid for it in full, and all he has to do is sign...and then they can have their wonderful life together. I will not be censored, I will not be threatened what I can write, THIS IS MY PAGE.....dont read it! In time I will get over my disgust for her, and Rich will be a chapter that ended. Though in the meantime, I will write how I feel. I have always done and always will.....Like I have told some that didnt like my words, dont read it. Simple, isnt it. See ya all tomorrow
| |
April 21,2000
Just wanted to make a quick post before I leave. We get out at 12.
Got to run to Kmart and get the kids their easter stuff, their dad is coming so they are excited about that....he is also taking them to Florida in June...they dont know, its a surprise, and the most amazing deal is that he asked me if I wanted to go to! I could see my parents, and go to disney with the kids....he is even paying. I dont know yet, its so strange. I think its just so the kids can have a good time and their parents (even though divorced) can be there with them. Everyone have a happy holiday and see ya all later
| |
April 24,2000
Back from the weekend, and I am so busy here, but at least it makes the day go by faster. Keith has a counceling appt after work, and I had mine before. The strength and determination is back. To get better, heal and deal with whatever comes my way. I still get those moments, and I take a minute to deal with it and go on. The kids dad came up Sat, and he gave them cash, and I got them some gifts and we took them to breakfast, it was nice for them, and I decided that I do not want to go to Florida, I just rather kinda get a break from them if you can understand and let them have their time with their dad. We had a nice Easter, we went out to dinner, Annie, Keith and my neighbor
who has become a very good friend to me and the kids. He makes me laugh again, and talks to the kids on their level, and I feel good when I see him...I dont know what that means, I am no way ready for any kind of relationship, I still am in love with my husband, and no matter how hard I try to hate him, I cant...but in time it will pass.
Life has some road for me and I am willing to travel. I feel good.
I feel pretty again, I feel smart, funny, and hey just me. See you all tomorrow
| |
April 25,2000
We had a pretty good session with Keith last night, all three of us went in and talked, then she saw Keith alone. I think its going to be okay. Annie wants to come with me next week to be at my next session
and I think thats a great idea. All three of us together. Everything at home has been so less tense, calmer and actually having a good time. The kids got cd's and just listening to them and thinking when I was a kid blasting my music.....hating the music, though saying remember when I was that young, and my dad wanted to punch Mick Jagger, and Black Sabbath!!!!! Though they let us listen to it. I am just enjoying my kids so much. They make me laugh, and we can joke, Annie always tries to say how cool she is, and Im like "Annie, you will never be cooler then me " Anyway its a good feeling. Im more in tune and can concentrate, watching what I eat, taking care of me. Our neighbor has become like part of the family and we all love having him around...maybe I do alittle too much, but hold up, before you all say "REBOUND" and "NOT READY" I know...and not allowing myself to go there. So closing out, but hey before I do lets all send congrads to the soon to be new Mrs. Crawford....Rich told me last nite, I dont know friends he just wont stop the calling. One day he is telling me that he hates me and go to hell, then I get "I want to be a friend, I care".....I am no longer accepting his calls. He has my lawyer's number. So, leave the congrads in the guestbook :-)Im sure she will take a peek, she still wont stop reading my journals. Remember when I was getting married???? I know, I am a bitch, but thats me....Hey Jeanne with the Long Island hair, get off the internet so I can get on the phone. I keep calling...Love ya all and talk tomorrow.
| |
April 26,2000
Its only humpday, this week is going forever. Plus its that "time"
so Im just a grump...well actully the pms isnt that bad, its easier to resist chocolate....well, Im trying anyway. :-) We had a pretty good night last night, got Chinese and I just ate a few pieces of chicken and some fried rice. I know that I am losing but right now its not a good time to get on the scale. It will just show that nasty water gain...so we will see next week. My neighbor and I are really spending alot of time together, its a friendship. We can talk, he teaches me about cars (like miss Long Island priss would even open the hood, ya know the nails) and I teach him the puter. The kids and him just have a really great time, and I met someone all over again,
we never really got along when I first moved in, but he is not what I thought he was. Though I got to keep reminding myself its a FRIENDSHIP. Hes younger then me too :-).....hey, when ya got it, ya got it. I would like to date still, actually I am going to be going on a date next week with an Italian laywer! Dad would love that. I remember him always asking me when I told him I met someone "Is he Italian?" Hmmm, who knows? Talk to ya tomorrow.
| |
April 28,2000
I am so happy its Friday...what a long week. Yesterday afternoon the dreaded school nurse call, Keith has pink eye, have to pick him up, bring him to the dr and then to walmart for the drops, and why cant that stuff be sold over the counter????? Its so damn annoying to pay the dr, and you know what the pink eye is..anyway, I dont feel that he is doing all that well with the meds, he is up and down and mostly is very upset or mad. He's going back to the dr next week, and I really feel that he needs alot more theraphy as well as Annie. She has to babysit tonight and its just me and Keith, and Im sure my neighbor...:-). I should just start saying my friend. Thats what he is. I still would like to hang out, get the kids together, date once in awhile, go shopping with Kathy, and not be "involved" Though, I find that he just makes me feel happy....he is such a different person that I thought he was, and I should just shut up. NO ....I will not get involved. Sooo, I hope that you all have a good weekend and talk to you later. I finally got Jeanne with the Long Island hair on the phone :-). Heather, just wanted to say thanks for being "my friendly journal reader" for the past few years..and I think I will leave the wedding pics up, it was a part of my life.
| | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |
