Nov1,1999
Happy November friends, my one year anniversary, and honestly a whole new start on my outlook and getting rid of this depression and self destruction. Losing the weight that I gained, feeling better about me
and all other destructive behavior......did I mention the mice???????
Keith found one in the basement in the washing machine after it was ran. UCK! Then we have another one.....this will not do, and if they are not gone I will move to a motel....back to work.
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Nov2,1999
This morning I was thinking how just a year ago I was planning my wedding, getting ready for what was the happiest day in my life, and how this year it seemed how it all fell apart, not only my relationship with my husband, but the kids and the diet and the self destructing habits, the depression....Im the only one that can do anything about it and that scares me the most. Yeah I can go to the doc and get some more meds and try all over again, I can get back to eating right and getting back to exercise...but will it change? Will life change cause of it...I did all that and it got worse. Just rambling friends, kinda like talking aloud. I am going to get back on track, that I will do. I guess what I need to do is stop thinking life is peachy cause you can get the 5's on without a vice grip. Talk to you all tomorrow.
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Nov3,1999
Still not doing that well today, Rich and I had a major fight on the phone last night, he says that I wont try, wont change, wonttalk to him...I am trying, I am talking. I dont want to change, I like me and need to keep me. Is that so wrong??????? If people love each other then change isnt needed, maybe appectance and dealing with the fact that people are all different, need different things to make them happy. I dont know....
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Nov4,1999
Well I finally destroyed whatever is left of my marriage.....Rich and I talked and screamed and yelled, and all that is left is that I have destroyed his job (he couldnt make his deliverys on time cause of me, and now he is on all 48 again) I have destroyed his life, heart and all that he is about. Im supposed to live with this everyday of my life? I cant stand it....its just too painful that I am cause of his pain.....I can not be happy anymore. The only way that he will stay with us if I follow rules and regulations and behave. That means the way I dress, my friends, everything that I do....Lose me basically.
Its all gone.........PS,Gigi I got your letter and I dont know if it got "lost", but thank you girlfriend and please write again
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Nov5,1999
Still in limbo land here. Rich wants a descion and I cant make one...
Im just lost, the kids are in termoil, doing bad in school and grades..I feel like its all my fault and just dont know what to do.
Well I do, is it right??? Talk to you later.....
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Nov7,1999
Well I have asked Rich to leave Friday so we can both have time to work on our problems alone. Im not sure I made the right choice....Im dying inside and wish that I had a fairy wand to make it all back to the same it used to be, but that cant happen, can it? Rich feels that I need to let go of my past, its hindering me from giving him all of me....I dont want to think of the past anylonger....but I suppose it lives inside of me never wanting to die. The kids are all messed up, at school and home, and I know that I need to be strong for them, to get them on the right track. Although they feel like its a party for them without Rich around, talking back to me, not doing their chores...Its killing me. They are old enough to know that I need them to be their best for me at this time, maybe they are mad at me....
hate me and dont care what they do to me. I just dont know. All I ever wanted was a happy life, the white picket fence, the dog, kids...
why is it so damn hard????? Talk to you all tomorrow
with Rich gone, they feel that they can talk back to me
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Nov8,1999
Its not too easy friends, Keith was crying last night how he missed Rich, Annie is acting up, Rich is sad and lonely everytime that he calls, and Im just a mess. Not sure if I did the right thing, maybe I didnt and Im just going to screw up my life even more.....maybe I did, and the kids will get more messed up. I need a cave to crawl into.....
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Nov9,1999
Well some good news friends, finally saw a doctor today. I called mine early this morning and told him it was an emergency and he wouldnt take me...I found another that would and I love her. She put me on new meds and listened to me, and when I said that I wanted to crawl into a cave, I actually meant that I have been in one and want out.....lets hope this is the light and I will be back to normal soon.
On the homefront the kids are still acting up, Rich and I are talking on the phone but it feels like its going no where at times.....
I also have bronchitis and a sinus infection....explains the laziness.
At least it wasnt me being a couch potato....talk to you all tomorrow
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Nov11,1999
A sad post and a short one. In respect to my brother and sister in law
(who I consider my sis too) and the loss of their unborn child, I love you both and and am here for you in spirit and love. Please keep them in your prayers and thoughts. Thanks.
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Nov15,1999
Im back friends, its been hard to write since I heard the news from
Frank, sometimes life isn't that bad is it? I have no right to complain and carry on when saddness and tragic events are all around us. Im not just talking about what is in my family, the quake in Turkey, the Egypt Airplane that went down, its all around us....
just a thought before I would have started crying over insinigficant problems... I have to say that I have felt alot better since I have been off the Paxil, just a few days and I feel a ton of difference.
I have some problems with stomach upset,though I think that is from the anti-biotics. So, back to work....talk to you all tomorrow
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Nov16,1999
Hi friends, early post today. Im usually so beat by the time I get home that I cant seem to stay up past eight...(damn, I feel so old)
anyway, I MUST get back in the swing here, my clothes are getting so tight and I feel like a bloated pig.....and if I dont get to it Im gonna be a house again. Why did I just let go of the exercise??????
I have to get myself reved up....HELP! talk to u all tomorrow
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Nov17,1999
Well, in my guestbook Judy wrote and said that she has lost 140 lbs and kept it off! Thats pretty impressive Judy and thanks for writing.
Your right, its the exercise....and I have got to get my butt in gear.
I have to stop passing out at 8pm everynight and force something in...
I was so depressed this morning looking in the mirror, when just a little while ago that was all that I could do....well no more pityparty, GOT to do it. talk to you all tomorrow
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Nov18,1999
Not much to say today, I got my canaries the other day, they cant
breed til the spring but the lovebirds and parakeets are getting ready...I have a damn bird zoo. LOL. I love them, the sounds, singing,the way that they interact with each other, its so neat.
Like people, they argue, kiss, makeup....they have simple lives.
Kinda jealous of them. Im trying to get in gear, its tough friends and I can keep asking for help, but lets face it, only I can help myself...just pick up,dust off and face life head on. All aspects.
Love ya all and talk to you tomorrow
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Nov22,1999
Back to Monday and Im happy to annouce the latest family member in my ever growing bird zoo. Her name is Isabella or "pretty girl" which she responds to more, she coos and is so affectionate....she is a ringneck parakeet, and Im telling you friends I think Im getting carried away with the birds, but they are so special. Keiths teacher just called me here atwork and hes in soooooo much trouble, again, not doing his projects. We go over his book every night, and now I suppose he is hiding this stuff from me......kids. Anyway, I have done pretty good with my diet todayand going to stick to it. The meds are making me feel alot better and life is sure looking up....back to work, talk to you all tomorrow
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Nov23,1999
Doing pretty good on my diet friends, now if I just can get off my butt.....we will be on a roll. The meds are getting better, but at times I still feel like Im getting a little more nervous. It will pass, Im sure......
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Nov29,1999
Been awhile friends since been on, sorry. Life here has not been the smoothest sail...actually very depressing. Thanksgiving was quiet, the kids were with their dad, and Rich and I went to dinner. It was a beautiful quaint little inn, the first time we ever did that. Sunday was our aniversary and Keith came home and told me that he wanted to go live with his dad....and then Rich left, and Im a mess. Again, as usual. Still hanging in, and will try and write more.
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